So it's been a while sense I said anything. Honestly I've been doing really well. I'm back into school, going for Surgical Tech. It took me some time to feel OK about my future being in a hospital where I will have the possibility of having to be in the same situation that the wonderful ladies where with me when I lost Chatelle. My fear was wondering what would I do. Would I be able to handle that? And my answer was God giving me peace and letting me know that it would all be OK.
So here I am, I've gotten through birthdays, holidays, incredibly deep depression and longing to die. I don't hate God anymore, but there are times that Satan tries to fill my head with doubt still, but I'm strong enough now to turn away and make him leave. I've made it trough a lot of trials and days, weeks and months that I didn't think I would be able to, but I'm still here and I feel stronger than I did before.
Today, May 21st at 4:36 pm is Chatelle's first birthday. I wonder all the time what she would look like and what she would be doing now. Would she be up and walking and trying to run around by now? What would her favorite foods be? I wonder what she would be able to say and what her little laugh would sound like? Would she be like her Daddy or her Momma? Would she be a heavy sleeper or a light sleeper?
Last week and this week have been especially hard for me. Multiple breakdowns and feeling like I was falling back into my depression. Asking questions again that I know right now will not be answered and feeling guilty for not knowing something was wrong with her. I have Satan trying to bring me down too, reminding me what I felt like and telling me that I was not a good mother to her. I have felt physically sick this week when I think about it.
I know she is not here physically, but she is with me all the time and she can hear me when I talk to her. And that's what I've been doing a lot of lately. Talking to her and telling her how much I miss her and how this break in my heart will never heal. My life may go on, but inside I'm still screaming with pain. There are still times when I want to go outside and scream out her name and just let it all go. I'm still scared that one day I'll wake up and not remember her, I won't think of her and I won't miss her. I'm scared of what will happen when I get pregnant again, that I'll not only be extremely nervous but that people will think "Oh, now she has another baby, she's perfectly fine and she'll get over Chatelle now". That is something I never want to happen. I never want to "get over" losing my child. She was a human being, she gave me memories and a new meaning to my life, she is still a part of me, every day.
So, Chatelle, Thank you! You have helped me become a stronger person, a better mother and a better wife. I understand how sacred a marriage is now; what it means to work through something that I never thought possible.
I have made changes in my life and I look at the world through different eyes now. Life is just a fleeting moment that we try to hold on to. We try to capture all the "important" moments in our lives and remember all our memories. Yes, I still hold on very dearly to the memories of my family but I know that my goal is to one day be with my family for all eternity in Heaven. I look forward to the day when I go Home and see my Chatelle waiting for me with open arms.
The other night I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and failing at it, so I starting praying. Telling God the same thing He has heard over and over again from me, "I want to see my daughter", "It's not fair", "She was perfect". This time I heard something, and I'll tell you the conversation.
Me: "God, she was perfect, I don't understand, she was absolutely perfect"
God: "My son was perfect too"
Me: "Yes, but your son came back to life and is in Heaven with you right now"
God: "Yes, but so did your daughter and she is here with me too"
Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday my beautiful Chatelle
I will be with you one day soon~ Momma
