Unexpected expectations

 I feel like I need to write, but I'm not sure what to write about.  I'm frustrated and tired.  Today was my birthday, I'm now 29 :)  It was actually a good day.  Mammy and Pappy took Marcus to church for us and Ben and I went out.  We went out for lunch, then headed over to Hobby Lobby to find out that they where closed.  Turned around and went to Barns and Noble and got 2 books, 90 Minutes in Heaven, and The Bereaved Parent.  I'm hoping that The Bereaved Parent will help me work through my feelings and help me move forward with my marriage.  Not that things are bad but I can say that things are up and down.  One minute I'm fine and the next I'm really mad over nothing.  I just did that a few minutes ago, that's why I'm sitting here writing.

I have a new obsession.  I never thought that I had a green thumb but I guess I do now.  I'm all into growing plants.  I have 2 beautiful orchids, a morning glory that gets bigger and bigger every day, my ivy that I've had for years, peace lilies and of course my Elle tree.  I'm doing really well at keeping them all alive.  But now I'm growing flowers from seeds and doing pretty well.  The other day Ben asked me a question, I don't remember the question but I do remember that I misheard him.  I thought that he asked why I was into plants now, and my answer was "it's something that I can keep alive".  I know that it's not my fault that Chatelle's not here.  I know that I didn't do anything wrong.  But I guess either subconsciously or not I feel that since Chatelle didn't live if I can keep something else alive then I'm doing something right.  Not sure if that makes sense to everyone but it makes sense to me.  I'm taking care of a "baby", nurturing and feeding them every day.  Making sure they are taken care of.

I'm tired of feeling, tired of thinking.  There are days when all I want and wish I could do was lay in bed, pull the sheets over my head and sleep all day long.  Like the song "Worn" says "I'm worn even before the day begins", I'm worn all the time.  There's a huge hole in my heart and I'm trying to find a way to fix it, though there is really no way of fixing it is there?  I feel like people just expect me to "move on" and act as though nothing happened.  Well I'm sorry i guess, cause I can't do that.  I can't forget about what happened, I can't act like nothing happened, I can't act like I'm not hurting and in the most misery that I've ever felt.  I can't act happy when I'm not.  The only thing I feel is pain and anger.  I don't want to feel happy right now.  The last time I felt happy my daughter was taken away from me.  I'm trying to figure this all out.  Trying to figure out how to be happy again without feeling guilty.