Stronger, The pain ain't gonna last forever

wilt ¹  (wlt)

v. wilt·ed, wilt·ing, wilts

v.intr.

1. To become limp or flaccid; droop: plants wilting in the heat.

2. To feel or exhibit the effects of fatigue or exhaustion; weaken markedly: "His brain wilted from hitherto unprecedented weariness" (Vladimir Nabokov).

v.tr.

1. To cause to droop or lose freshness.

2. To deprive of energy or vigor; fatigue or exhaust.

n.

1. The act of wilting or the state of being wilted.

2. Any of various plant diseases characterized by slow or rapid collapse of terminal shoots, branches, or entire plants.

I'm wilting.  I've become limp, a loss of energy.  Just here.  

These last few days have been really hard.  Some things have come up in my personal life that took me by surprise and maybe I handled them the wrong way, or maybe I didn't.  I don't know.  I do know that they are putting me through a test to see how much I really can handle.  Throwing my marriage right to the line, testing my faith and believes.  Pushing me deeper into this depression to see if I can get out.  It all just sucks. 

I can't believe that some people think that it's OK to try to just waltz right back into someones life after they did horrible things.  After trying to break up my relationship with my now husband, stabbing me in the back and you have the nerve to even talk to me?!  Peoples stupidity amazes me.  Just when I think I've seen/heard it all I find out there's something else.

The above was written a few weeks ago.  I've been slacking, not wanting to write or do anything.  I've been told by multiple people that I need to find something to do that will take up my time.  I always thought that doing that meant to stay distracted, compared to the flip side of thinking about what happened all the time.  So I'm reading books now (quite a few books at one time), and trying to sit here and write.

I'm not sure just how much better I am.  I have good days and bad days, but it seems to me that I'm having more good days now than I have before.  This past weekend was nice.  Me, Ben and Marcus went to the beach with Ben's mom, brother and best friend.  It was nice to get away and have some time for Ben and I to talk and just be with each other.  I feel like we understand each other better now, where we both stand on dealing with the loss of Chatelle, and we both reassured each other again that we will get through this together.

I'm still having a hard time with this picture in my head.  Dr. D told us that Chatelle had been gone for two days, which would have been Sunday.  That day Chatelle was going crazy, kicking and moving all over during church.  If I had just known, or had a thought that something was different about her movement then maybe she would be here today.  But that's playing the "what if" game and that's never a good game to play.