Firebird

I just got done watching a movie called Unconditional.  I have to say it's the most amazing movie that I've seen in quite awhile (all based on truth by the way).  Considering that I'm going through a lot of doubts and loss of faith right now the movie helped me.  It's about a woman who lost her faith in God when her husband was killed.  But it doesn't stick around the depressing parts of loss, it shows how she got through it.  It tells a story about a little bird who every time it rained asked his mother why God let it rain, because the rain took away the sun.  The mother bird would reply that all he needed to do was fly above the clouds and he would see that the sun was still there.  That no matter how much it rained the sun was always on the other side of the cloud.  Now, translate that into adult language and it means that no matter how dark and dreary life gets God is always on the other side.

I already know all this, but I'm the kind of person who has to have everyone tell me the same thing over and over again and then some random person come up and tell me the same thing again and I finally get it.  I've been hearing it on K Love from the DJ's, from songs on K Love, books that I'm reading and even from my own head, but it took a movie and a book about a little bird to get it to sink in.  God is already there.  I'm the only thing that's holding me back.  All this time I've felt like He left me, I couldn't hear Him anymore when I talked to Him.  When I pray I feel like I'm talking to air because I don't feel that connection anymore.  And I thought and felt like He had turned His back to me and left me.  When in actuality I'm the one who left Him.  My anger towards Him, I blame Him for taking Chatelle away from me, I've called Him an unloving God.  All along He's been standing there waiting for me to see that He's there on the other side of this darkness.  How could I have forgotten that?

I am so unworthy of this life, of all His love that He gives me.  All the times that He's forgiven me when I know no one else in this world would.  All the stupid things I've done and yet He still blessed me with a wonderful family.  My husband has got to be one of the best people I know.  We've been through so much together.  There are some people that read this that know exactly what I'm talking about.  For those that don't, trust me when I say I know what it's like to have dirt that is more rich then you are, to go hungry for days because you have no gas to get to the store, much less the money to get gas and get food.  By the grace of God we got through that hard time.

And now this.  The loss of our daughter, depression, anger, rage.  Not a lot of men would put up with someone who got mad every time you saw them.  Who for no apparent reason would flip out and loose it and not know why.  And yet he has.  He's been right beside me through thick and thin.  We've had our fights and yes I've told him to leave multiple times, but he never has.  I thank God that Ben hasn't left me, without him here with me I'm not sure of anything.