Heart stopping

Chatelle Mae Hernandez

May 21st 2013

4:36 p.m.

6 lbs. 14 oz.

21" long

This is the first picture that I've put out for everyone to see of our daughter.  I wasn't sure if I was going to do that or not.  Just looking at her I see so much of me.  I think of all the things that have happened sense her birth.  Denial, anger, depression.  Putting my marriage on the line.  Really mad at God and still not understanding why. 

 There have been some good things happen.  We've been to the beach a couple times, Ben and I have opened up to one another about our feelings and how we're handling or loss.  I've been able to sleep better, I don't replay that day over and over as much now. 

I still have yet to go back to church.  Tonight was the first time I've been back in a couple of months.  My church is starting a young adults group and tonight was the ice breaker.  Getting to know everyone, if you didn't already, playing board games and eating finger foods.  It was a good night.  My brain got a break for a short while.  Not having to act like I was OK and in a good mood was also nice, because I was having such a fun time with everyone I didn't have to put on a face.  After having to put on a face for what feels like a long time, it's kinda hard to tell if I'm really enjoying myself or just going through the motions.  That was not the case tonight.