We went to church on Sunday. It was really hard. It was great to see everyone, but being there was difficult. I couldn't get into the music, I didn't feel that feeling when you know you're standing and in presence of God. I was just there. It seems like there are times when all my happiness is overrun by despair. It happens when I try to listen to K Love, I just can't do it. The music is almost repulsive to me and I end up changing the station.
Anyways, there's a lady at the church that just had a baby; I say "just" but what I mean is this beautiful baby is about a week and a half older than what Chatelle would and should be, so 3 months old. I've wanted so badly to see this baby from the day she was brought into this world, but Sunday was the first time I got to meet her. I saw her come in and sit down, and excitement flowed over me. There she was! And then it all hit me...I remembered Sunday May 19th when Chatelle was moving all over the place and kicking me and stretching. I put my hand on my belly just for a second to try and remember what her moving felt like. And I walked out. I could not do it! I wanted to run out and not come back. Instead I went to confide in a very kind and patient lady, who just happened to be the baby's grandmother. I didn't plan on doing this, she was the first person who popped in my head. Call it a God moment, if you will. Long story short we ended up talking and crying in a little classroom while Pastor Daryl was preaching. She told me of her mother who had passed away and came back. How she was so upset when she was brought back, she stopped eating and started going down hill. When asked why she was doing this to herself, her response was because she wanted to go back. She had gone to Heaven and seen her children that she had lost, she saw Jesus with all the little children. She was at peace, and then she was brought back. Hearing that made me so sad but at the same time it put a spark in me. I know my baby girl is up in Heaven and as this wonderful woman said "what better baby sitter than Jesus". As if this conversation was not good enough another wonderful woman came and joined us. She told me a little about her son she had lost. She encouraged me letting me know that with time this drowning feeling that I'm living with will end. That God sees and knows the meaning for all things, and He's going to be patient with me and wait for me on the other side. Thank you Mrs. Suzy and Mrs. Betty for being there, I truly am blessed to have you both in my life.
There's a book that I highly suggest to everyone, it's called The Shack. If you have not read it, read it! It is amazing! It helped me understand some things. 1~ God does not know evil. 2~ He has nothing to do with the bad things that happen to us. 3~ He will make beautiful things out of horrible things.
I've had the thought in my head for a while now that God made this happen to me. That He could have stopped this (which He could have), but that was not His plan. This book, The Shack, explains it saying that when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit that gave us independence, free will, a mind of our own to do what we want pretty much. And sense we have free will and independence that opens up the door for bad things to happen. Life would have been prefect if they hadn't eaten the fruit, but they did. And sense God is incapable to do bad or evil things, in a sense He has no control over it. When in all actually He does have control over everything, but sense we have free will He takes a step back and lets things happen. It can be confusing but if you can wrap your head around it then it really does make sense. Taking that step back and letting things happen is the only way we has imperfect humans are going to learn to lean on, or let God carry us.
Pastor Daryl is another wonderful person. I had a really nice talk with him today. He told me that it's OK to enjoy life, be happy, to get out and about. That it's OK to have another child. Pretty much, being happy is what Chatelle and God would want for me. And I know that's true. I have this fear of waking up one day and not remembering her at all, but I know that won't happen.
So let me leave you with this. I actually picked up my Bible tonight and this is what God showed me.
Learning From Pain
Ezekiel 20 demonstrated how God disciplined his children in order to purify their hearts. His actions illustrate that one purpose of suffering is that it leads to repentance. Only after suffering or disaster, did Old Testament Israel, do some nations, do some individual people turn back to God. The truth is, we often learn the hard way. As C. S. Lewis said, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." And, of course, repentance leads to something wonderful-to blessedness, since God is the source of all joy and all life. The outcome is good-in fact, it is better.
Simply put, suffering is compatible with God's love if it is medicinal, remedial and necessary, that is, if we are very sick and desperately need a cure. And that's our situation. Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick...I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners" (Matthew 9:12-13)
*NIV The Case for Christ Study Bible*
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