I'm now off my "Happy Pills". Not by choice, more like I no longer have Medicaid, Ben makes too much for Medicaid but his work doesn't offer insurance, and we don't have the money to be dishing out for private insurance. I knew I was of course going to run out of pills, so I looked into finding a free clinic or a place that offers a sliding scale, and please let me be the first to say that GUILFORD COUNTY SUCKS. They offer NOTHING, and the neighboring counties can't do anything because I'm not in that county. So, my decision to get off my pills was not mine, more like it was Guilford County's decision.
The first week off my pills was horrible! Tons of mood swings, major anger management problems. Throw in some thoughts to hurt myself just to end the pain I was feeling again, and you could say it was a really hard time. I thought that my pills were helping me cope with my loss, but now that I'm off them I think they were putting up a false persona. Like they were prohibiting me from feeling and dealing with everything. Issues that I thought I had over come were popping back up, like my anger with God.
So, my youngest sister Melissa and her hubby Issac and their child Fronze (hope I'm spelling that right), which is a dog (don't worry they would not name a real child that lol), came into town. I'm not sure of the details, but I'm pretty sure that was a God thing. Issac had some time off work this past weekend (10-12-13), which just happened to be the same weekend as The Walk To Remember. So, they drove down for a long weekend and came to the walk with us.
You want to talk about an emotional day Sat the 12th was it. The Walk of Remembrance and Hope of 2013 was our first walk for Chatelle. I had been preparing myself for that day, having no clue what it would be like, what mood I would be in and how much I would cry. It was a wonderful emotional day. It broke my heart to hear all the names of babies that are not here. I remember one family in particular who said their child's name followed by "and 5 siblings". My heart sill aches for that family even now as I'm writing this. 6 children. I feel like I want to scream it out. Losing a child is something that should ONLY happen to someone once in their life. NOT have it happen to them 6 times!
I'm listening to Barlow Girl on my computer while writing this and the question "Where where you God?" popped in my head. He didn't wait long to answer me. Jesus Loves Me came to my mind and I saw a picture in my minds eye of God holding all 6 of that families children. That's where He was and where He still is. Jesus loves the little children. He holds them and loves them for us. I remember when I was reading Heaven is For Real and the little boy told his dad that he (the dad) didn't understand just how much Jesus loves the little children. The little boy was really stressing it out to his father. We as humans and parents think that there is no one else who could or would love our children more than we do. Well, I hope we all know that we are all wrong. We love our children with all our hearts yes, but our hearts are human hearts not God hearts. If we could feel just a tiny amount or imagine the amount that God loves us all then we would...I don't know, burst or something. My point is that it's impossible to fathom how much God loves us.
Love is a hard thing sometimes. Like for me and what happened to Chatelle I hated God. I stopped loving Him. Hate was easier, it summed it up. I can sit here today and say that I do not hate God anymore. I'm a shy person, I don't like to talk in front of people, but on Sunday something came over me. I couldn't sit still, I had this uncontrollable urge to run up to the alter and tell everyone! I didn't run up to the alter, but I did go and pray and after the prayer I got up and spoke. I don't remember what all I said because the words that were coming out of my mouth were not from me. I do know that I told everyone that I don't hate God anymore.
I know this is kinda long, but I want to say Thank You again to everyone out there for your thoughts and prayers. Please remember that people lose their children every single day. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers as well. It's the hardest thing to come back from. I'm sure I sound like it's been a long time sense I lost Chatelle, but it hasn't even been 5 months. I pray that people and families who don't have any family or a church family to turn to will reach out and find someone, something that will help them in a positive way.
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