Let me know the struggle ends

How good is God?
How much does He really care about us?
Should I think that since I'm a Christian and believe in Him that I'm exempt from the harshness and cruelty of this world we live in?

I know God is good and I know that He really does care about us, but there are times now when I get so mad at Him and the thought that He's forgotten about me comes to mind, and I find myself having to force those thoughts away.  I try really hard to remember that there are reasons my baby died.

Anger.  People who ask me how I'm doing really don't want to know the answer to that question.  They have no clue that asking that question could bring out something they were not expecting.  "How are you doing today?", " I'm doing OK considering my baby died five weeks ago.  She was perfectly healthy, but ended up having the cord wrapped around her neck multiple times.  So here I am with a new scar and no baby to show for it.  I'm having to figure out how to go on from day to day and deal with family and friends and being around people.  All the while I'm wanting to scream and cry out "Why God, why me?!"  But I'm doing fine, thanks for asking."
The answer to the simple question "How are you doing today?" is not so simple.  That's why it's really never a good idea to ask that question because you never know what answer you'll get.

I'm having a hard time doing things now.  Going to church is hard for me.  I'm not losing my faith or trust in God, I actually feel closer to Him now then I did before.  I'm leaning on Him all the time and He's carrying me all the time.  I'm doing devotions now and reading the Bible again.  The hard part for me about going to church now is that I see Chatelle's funeral.  I see how things where set up and where the flowers and her pictures were.  I remember my Aunt Kim speaking and my sister Jessica singing, and the song that Ben picked out to play.  I remember the emptiness inside me and the rude awakening that what happened was real and not a horrible dream.
I'm also having a hard time dealing with every day life.  I feel like a robot on auto run.  I have no emotion (other than anger), I do very little around the house, I haven't cooked in so long and I have no desire to cook.  Those who know me know that I love to cook now compared to when I was younger (I'm almost 29 so younger to me was around 22 years old).
My poor husband and son have no clue what kind of mood I'll be in from minute to minute.  I have no need or want for any kind of closeness unless I'm crying or really need a hug or something.  I don't want to be touched.  I don't want, or maybe it's a I don't know how to, have any happiness now.  There is a huge hole in my heart and I don't know how to let it heal.

What is normalcy?  I lived from day to day with a life that I thought was normal.  I have a husband, a son, family and friends that love me.  That's all normal.  Losing a child is not normal.  I woke up that day and little did I know that my life would no longer be under the category of normalcy.  I just got off the phone a minute ago and one of the last things that was said was "I've missed talking to you".  That small, innocent, honest line made me start thinking about all the things I miss about my old life.  I say old because I don't feel like the woman I used to be before all this.  I miss being able to smile without feeling guilty, as if being happy means that I forget about Chatelle.  I miss the closeness that me and my husband used to have, the wanting to be held.  I miss the innocence that I used to have, thinking that nothing like this could or would ever happen to my family.  I even miss the bad days that I had, the arguments that Ben and I have had.  Even though they were bad days or arguments, they were still normal every day issues.  Now when I think about something there's a line that splits down the middle.  The "before" and the "after" line.  Before Chatelle died and after Chatelle died.   That line will always be there.

How many times have You heard me cry out?

Have I said lately that my family is wonderful?  Not just my blood family, but my church family too.  If it wasn't for all the people praying for Ben and I for God to carry us and take care of us I'm not sure where we would be right now.  It's not something I want to think about.  It still amazes me how people from all over can and will come together when others are in need.  People from NC, VA, even England were praying.  Family, friends and people who I will never get a chance to meet and to say thank you to where praying.  Thank you, thank you.

While I was in the hospital God gave me a vision.  I was by myself praying and crying.  I begged God to give me my little girl, to let me see her again.  To be able to touch her and hold her.  Everything turned white, and not just white but a blinding white.  I saw God walking towards me and in His arms was Chatelle.  She was beautiful.  My baby girl was reaching out to me, she knew who I was.  And then I heard Him.  He said to me "I have her.  She's in my arms now.  She's safe".  Then she was gone.  God had given me what I asked.  He had let me see her again and He gave me the assurance that she was with Him and in His arms.  You may think I'm crazy, but I'm not.  God gave me the vision.

My whole family came together when we lost Chatelle.  My sister Melissa, came down and stayed two weeks for me.  My other sisters, Angel and Jessica, came over all the time.  Friends from church came over. My cousin Katie gave us a beautiful Cherry Blossom tree in remembrance of Chatelle.  My wonderful husband, Ben, thinks I'm crazy but I named the tree Elle.  Mammy and Pappy made a garden around Elle with beautiful flowers.  My mother-in-law and sister-in-law gave me a beautiful necklace with charms in it in remembrance of Chatelle.  There is more but I can't think of them all right now.  I want to say thank you to everyone.  I hope you all know how much I love you and have been so blessed to be around you all.

I've had time to think about reasons why God planned for this to happen.  I've realized that He did answer our prayers, just not the way we wanted them answered.  If Chatelle had lived her quality of life would have been zero.  The brain damage that she would have had, she wouldn't have been able to do anything.  God answered our prayers when we asked for her to live.  She's living in Heaven now, where angels sing, where she has family.  The streets are made of gold and the rivers look like glass.  God is carrying her around in His wonderful loving arms.  What better place to be if she can't be in my arms.

This has also opened my eyes to just how precious life really is.  I know we're not promised tomorrow, but this has really hit home for me.  I try not to take my little boy for granted anymore, thinking that he's going to be here until I'm gone.  Life is so precious.  Someone told me this a while back.  Our children are not ours, they are Gods.  God lets us borrow them so we can teach them and guide them down the right path.  And when God is done with us (cause we are all Gods children) He takes us home.  If you are sitting here, breathing and reading this then God is not done with you.  Please remember and know that there is a purpose for all the things that we go through.  We might not ever understand, and we might not ever heal from a loss, but God still has a purpose for you.

You went your way And I stayed behind

Today marks one month.  One month that my little girl has been gone.  One month that I've been without her.  One month that she's been with her Father.

I never thought that I would be sitting on my bed writing all this.  Things that you see in movies or read in books or hear from friends of friends, you never think that will happen to you.  You know it's horrible and sad, but for some reason you think you're invincible from it.

Well I woke up from that dream really fast.  I'm not sure who all was at the hospital besides my family while I was getting prepped for my C-Section.  But I do know that everyone was praying for God to do us a miracle.  For the doctor to be amazed that she was alive.  As I was laying on the operating table holding Ben's hand I was praying.  Telling God I knew how capable He was to do this, like He needed to be reminded.  I was reminding God how Jesus brought people back to life, and how He healed the blind and made a lame man walk.  My uncle Lee came flooding in my head.  If God could save Lee's eye sight and heal him then God could do this for me and Ben.

It felt like hours that I was on that table.  In reality it was only 35 minutes.  As the operating staff was wheeling me to the recovery room I remember rolling by a waiting room and wondering if that was where my family was.  I didn't see anyone, but later I found out that that was where everyone was.  Lynn saw me being rolled to the recovery room, and I'm told that she feel into dads arms when she saw me.  She knew that Chatelle was gone.

In the recovery room they brought Chatelle out to me and Ben.  She was wrapped in a beautiful crocheted purple, pink and white blanket.  She was wearing a white crocheted dress.  She was beautiful!  I knew she would be.  She looked just like me when I was a baby.  My lips, nose, fingers, everything.  Soon after, family started coming in one at a time.  Mammy, Pappy, Ma, Rebecca and Angle.  Then off we went to the other room.  Slowly everyone started flooding in the room.  Both our families, pastor Daryl and the two wonderful ladies (Heather and Orena) that took pictures for us came.  Needless to say there was way more than 3 visitors in that room.

That night after everyone left and it was just Ben and I, I was holding Chatelle, running my finger down her cheek and nose.  Crying and telling her how sorry I was that I couldn't take care of her.  Telling her how much I loved her and always would and that one day I would be with her.  Letting her go when the nurse came to take her away was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life.  I held on to her as tight as I could without hurting her.  I closed my eyes, kissed her head and said good-bye.  No parent should have to do that with their child.  No parent should have to bury their child, but I did.  And still the question is WHY?!

The loneliest day of my life

I wake up at 6:30 am, get dressed, throw my hair up, brush my teeth, and go wake Marcus up and get him ready to go.  Having only one car is a pain sometimes, like when I have a doctors appointment and have to take Ben to work.  

We dropped Ben off at work and made our way back to the highway.  I was hungry and so was Marcus so we decided to stop at McDonald's and get some breakfast.  On our way again, Marcus was pointing out all the "really really big" trucks that he saw.  I was telling Chatelle to behave today and be good for the doctors and Mommy.  We make it to the office, get back into the room, and finally a nurse comes in to listen to Chatelle's heartbeat.  I loved this part, hearing the pitter patter of her heart, knowing that she was going to be here in a couple weeks.  But leave it to my little girl to not listen to me, cause she was not behaving for us.  The nurse could not find her heartbeat, but she assured me that because Chatelle was breach it was sometimes hard to find it, so she called in the midwife to give it a go.  The midwife couldn't find her heartbeat so the doctor came in, and when the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat she sent me straight to the ultrasound room.

Remember this whole time Marcus is with me.  Usually my sister Jessica would watch him for me, but the appointment was at 8:30 and there was no time to take him from Ben's work to Jessica's house and get me to the doctors in time. So here we are sitting in the ultrasound room, Marcus is sitting beside me on the table and we're looking at the screen as the tech is doing her thing.  I'm telling Marcus to look at the T.V so he can see his sister, and I'm laying on the table thinking about how our lives are getting ready to change with this new wonderful addition.  Part of me is scared, not knowing what it's going to be like, but looking at her on the screen all my worries go away.  

The tech excuses herself from the room, which I don't even pay attention to.  It's when she comes back in and the doctor is behind her that I take my eyes off the screen.  My doctor looks at me and her eyes tell me she has bad news, "Callie, I'm so sorry.  We can't find a heartbeat.  She's gone".  No reaction, no thought, no feeling.  Then BAM!  it hits me what she said.  "Well check again!" was my reaction.  They checked a total of 6 times, 3 times in the office and 3 in the ultrasound room.  My baby girl was gone, and I had to try to keep myself somewhat together because Marcus was sitting right beside me looking at my face asking "Mommy, you ok?".  My midwife came in and took Marcus to get a snack, meanwhile I called my dad and tried to tell him, but not being able to talk, I handed my phone to the doctor and she told him.  Dad was on his way.  Next was to call Ben.  How was I going to tell my husband that our little girl was gone?  Our little girl, my baby girl.  

My dad finally gets to the office and the doctor comes in and tells us that I'm going to have to make a choice.  Either have a C-Section or they can induce me and I can deliver her naturally.  I decided to have the C-Section.  Something about pushing a baby out of me that I knew was no longer living didn't seem right to me.  Not only that but we had already decided on a C-Section beforehand, so why change it?  By this time it was around 11 something and the doctor tells us that I'm going to have to wait until 4 to have the surgery.  Well my family is already up at the hospital waiting for us to get there, so when we leave that's where we go.  

Sitting in the car, my mind is numb as I stare out the window.  I feel nothing as I put my hand on my tummy like I always do to feel her.  And there's nothing, no movement, yet I can't move my hand cause I just know that she's going to move soon.  That movement never comes.  I couldn't get my mind and body to understand that.  When we got to the hospital and I saw my family I wanted to run and hide.  I didn't want to get out of the car, I didn't want to see their faces and be reminded of this horrible news I just got.  Ben had to come get me and walk me up.  I felt dirty, like I needed to wash myself over and over again.  I felt like a failure, that it was my fault I couldn't keep my baby alive.  And I felt like God had left me.  Where was He when my daughter needed him?  Why and how could such a loving God do something like this to me?!  I did everything right.  I ate right, stop smoking, only took what the doctors said I could when I was sick.  I don't do drugs or drink, I'm not a bad person, so why God?!  WHY?!  

Bigger and bigger

So I'm having a little girl.  I'm really excited to tell Ben because he's wanted a little girl for a long time now.  Then the tech tells me that the due date is June 6th.  On the way home I'm thinking to myself that June 6th sounds like a date I should know, and then it hits me....that's my dad's birthday!  What a great thing!  He already has one grandchild named after him, how cool would it be to have the next one come on his birthday!  I was really happy to tell him the news.  He of course thought I was joking with him, and when he realized that I wasn't his reaction was "I don't want to share my birthday".  Well dad got lucky cause the next time I went to the doctor the due date was changed to June 9th.

Things are going well, the belly is getting bigger and bigger.  I love going to the doctors office because it seems like they love giving me ultrasounds, so I get new pictures of her all the time.  Getting to see her grow, and see how different she looks in the new pictures was wonderful.

Ben and I finally agreed on a first name for her, Chatelle, (which took FOREVER, cause he's really picky).  Coming up with a middle name that sounded good with Chatelle was really hard.  Ben liked Mae and I liked Len, so we put them together for Mae'Len.  So we finally had a name for her, the next part was telling the family.  There were of course some people who didn't like the name, other people who had a hard time pronouncing it right or remembering her name sense it was so unusual, but for the most part people liked her name.  Which to me it makes no difference if you like her name or not.  Not your child.  But the longer we let the name sink into our heads the more we didn't think Len sounded right, so we ended up taking it out.

So we have her name, next came the baby shower.  You wouldn't think that it would be this confusing, but I wasn't sure if I should make a gift list for her or not.  Since we have Marcus, we already had some of the things we needed like the tear free shampoo and soap, wash clothes and towels.  We had some clothes for her already but not a lot, but I still wasn't sure what to do.  Instead of making a wish list for her, we just ended up telling the ladies at church what we needed or wanted.  The shower was lots of fun.  A fruit bowl made out of a watermelon in the shape of a bassinet, cute little cupcakes with hearts on them and punch that had a whale swimming in it.  The cute little outfits that people gave us and all the necessities that we didn't have yet, I walked away feeling very grateful and thankful to all the ladies and God for providing things for us.  My sisters church donated a changing table, a diaper pail and a breast pump to us, along with a lot of outfits that didn't sale at a consignment sale they had.  My Nana, my sister-in-law, and Ben's best friend gave us car seats, a diaper bag, more clothes and toys and baby swings.  Saying that God supplies for us (meaning everyone) was an understatement to me.  He kept proving over and over again to me that He will deliver all we need, and He did.

How it all began

The past few days I've felt like God has been telling me to tell people of Chatelle's story.

It was the last time Marcus and I were in Virginia (right before Halloween 2012) helping my cousin Michelle take care of her mother.  Ben had driven us half way to meet the gang (Michelle, Ty, and the 3 boys).  Ben had come down with something, but knowing that I wasn't going to see him for a while I gave him a kiss and took my chances with his germs.  Low and behold I got sick too.  So, here I am sick as a dog and Michelle won't let me take anything because she knows that we've been trying to get pregnant again.  So before I can have anything to help me feel better she makes me take a pregnancy test.  I pee on the little stick and leave the room.  Biting my nails, pacing back and forth I waited.  Finally Michelle comes out and with a huge smile on her face she proceeds to tell me that I'm pregnant.  I stood there in disbelief, trying to make it sink into my brain.  There's a little baby in there, we're gonna have another child, are you sure I'm pregnant?  So off to the doctor I went, and sure enough I'm pregnant.  No taking regular meds to get me better, nope, I'm stuck with home remedies and cough drops.  Fun, fun, fun.

Here come the life changes.  No more smoking, have to watch what I eat, no heavy lifting, and no more sodas.  I also had 4 sinus infections and some morning sickness.  I know that every pregnancy is different, but I would have taken morning sickness any day over having all those sinus infections.  The first one was so bad that the whole right side of my face, throat, chest and head hurt all the time.  Getting past being sick for what felt like all the time, being pregnant was wonderful.  There's nothing more amazing than being able to feel your baby move and kick inside you.  The fact that you are bring a life into the world, that you're responsible for taking care of your body and the baby.  It's an amazing thing.

The first visit I had to the doctor, my sister-in-law took me and Marcus.  It took forever!  I remember laying on the table while the mid-wife tried to find the babies heart beat and couldn't find it.  I was telling myself not to freak out because the baby was still really small, so that might be why she couldn't find it.  After a few minutes of no success she takes me to the ultrasound room and holding my breath, I look at the screen and there's my baby, and there's the heart beat.  I start crying and saying a silent thank you to God.  The tech looks at me and asked if I wanted to know the sex, of course I said yes.

It's a girl!