The loneliest day of my life

I wake up at 6:30 am, get dressed, throw my hair up, brush my teeth, and go wake Marcus up and get him ready to go.  Having only one car is a pain sometimes, like when I have a doctors appointment and have to take Ben to work.  

We dropped Ben off at work and made our way back to the highway.  I was hungry and so was Marcus so we decided to stop at McDonald's and get some breakfast.  On our way again, Marcus was pointing out all the "really really big" trucks that he saw.  I was telling Chatelle to behave today and be good for the doctors and Mommy.  We make it to the office, get back into the room, and finally a nurse comes in to listen to Chatelle's heartbeat.  I loved this part, hearing the pitter patter of her heart, knowing that she was going to be here in a couple weeks.  But leave it to my little girl to not listen to me, cause she was not behaving for us.  The nurse could not find her heartbeat, but she assured me that because Chatelle was breach it was sometimes hard to find it, so she called in the midwife to give it a go.  The midwife couldn't find her heartbeat so the doctor came in, and when the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat she sent me straight to the ultrasound room.

Remember this whole time Marcus is with me.  Usually my sister Jessica would watch him for me, but the appointment was at 8:30 and there was no time to take him from Ben's work to Jessica's house and get me to the doctors in time. So here we are sitting in the ultrasound room, Marcus is sitting beside me on the table and we're looking at the screen as the tech is doing her thing.  I'm telling Marcus to look at the T.V so he can see his sister, and I'm laying on the table thinking about how our lives are getting ready to change with this new wonderful addition.  Part of me is scared, not knowing what it's going to be like, but looking at her on the screen all my worries go away.  

The tech excuses herself from the room, which I don't even pay attention to.  It's when she comes back in and the doctor is behind her that I take my eyes off the screen.  My doctor looks at me and her eyes tell me she has bad news, "Callie, I'm so sorry.  We can't find a heartbeat.  She's gone".  No reaction, no thought, no feeling.  Then BAM!  it hits me what she said.  "Well check again!" was my reaction.  They checked a total of 6 times, 3 times in the office and 3 in the ultrasound room.  My baby girl was gone, and I had to try to keep myself somewhat together because Marcus was sitting right beside me looking at my face asking "Mommy, you ok?".  My midwife came in and took Marcus to get a snack, meanwhile I called my dad and tried to tell him, but not being able to talk, I handed my phone to the doctor and she told him.  Dad was on his way.  Next was to call Ben.  How was I going to tell my husband that our little girl was gone?  Our little girl, my baby girl.  

My dad finally gets to the office and the doctor comes in and tells us that I'm going to have to make a choice.  Either have a C-Section or they can induce me and I can deliver her naturally.  I decided to have the C-Section.  Something about pushing a baby out of me that I knew was no longer living didn't seem right to me.  Not only that but we had already decided on a C-Section beforehand, so why change it?  By this time it was around 11 something and the doctor tells us that I'm going to have to wait until 4 to have the surgery.  Well my family is already up at the hospital waiting for us to get there, so when we leave that's where we go.  

Sitting in the car, my mind is numb as I stare out the window.  I feel nothing as I put my hand on my tummy like I always do to feel her.  And there's nothing, no movement, yet I can't move my hand cause I just know that she's going to move soon.  That movement never comes.  I couldn't get my mind and body to understand that.  When we got to the hospital and I saw my family I wanted to run and hide.  I didn't want to get out of the car, I didn't want to see their faces and be reminded of this horrible news I just got.  Ben had to come get me and walk me up.  I felt dirty, like I needed to wash myself over and over again.  I felt like a failure, that it was my fault I couldn't keep my baby alive.  And I felt like God had left me.  Where was He when my daughter needed him?  Why and how could such a loving God do something like this to me?!  I did everything right.  I ate right, stop smoking, only took what the doctors said I could when I was sick.  I don't do drugs or drink, I'm not a bad person, so why God?!  WHY?!