Good Things in the Game of Life

I just want to throw this out there first.  I am blessed.  Even though there are times when I doubt that statement God calls a "foul" and throws out a little yellow flag and the play back starts.  It's then that I see how blessed I really am.

We went to church on Sunday.  It was really hard.  It was great to see everyone, but being there was difficult.  I couldn't get into the music, I didn't feel that feeling when you know you're standing and in presence of God.  I was just there.  It seems like there are times when all my happiness is overrun by despair.  It happens when I try to listen to K Love, I just can't do it.  The music is almost repulsive to me and I end up changing the station.

Anyways, there's a lady at the church that just had a baby; I say "just" but what I mean is this beautiful baby is about a week and a half older than what Chatelle would and should be, so 3 months old.  I've wanted so badly to see this baby from the day she was brought into this world, but Sunday was the first time I got to meet her.  I saw her come in and sit down, and excitement flowed over me.  There she was!  And then it all hit me...I remembered Sunday May 19th when Chatelle was moving all over the place and kicking me and stretching.  I put my hand on my belly just for a second to try and remember what her moving felt like.  And I walked out.  I could not do it!  I wanted to run out and not come back.  Instead I went to confide in a very kind and patient lady, who just happened to be the baby's grandmother.  I didn't plan on doing this, she was the first person who popped in my head.  Call it a God moment, if you will.  Long story short we ended up talking and crying in a little classroom while Pastor Daryl was preaching.  She told me of her mother who had passed away and came back.  How she was so upset when she was brought back, she stopped eating and started going down hill.  When asked why she was doing this to herself, her response was because she wanted to go back.  She had gone to Heaven and seen her children that she had lost, she saw Jesus with all the little children.  She was at peace, and then she was brought back.  Hearing that made me so sad but at the same time it put a spark in me.  I know my baby girl is up in Heaven and as this wonderful woman said "what better baby sitter than Jesus".  As if this conversation was not good enough another wonderful woman came and joined us.  She told me a little about her son she had lost.  She encouraged me letting me know that with time this drowning feeling that I'm living with will end.  That God sees and knows the meaning for all things, and He's going to be patient with me and wait for me on the other side. Thank you Mrs. Suzy and Mrs. Betty for being there, I truly am blessed to have you both in my life.

There's a book that I highly suggest to everyone, it's called The Shack.  If you have not read it, read it!  It is amazing!  It helped me understand some things.  1~ God does not know evil.  2~ He has nothing to do with the bad things that happen to us.  3~ He will make beautiful things out of horrible things.
I've had the thought in my head for a while now that God made this happen to me.  That He could have stopped this (which He could have), but that was not His plan.  This book, The Shack, explains it saying that when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit that gave us independence, free will, a mind of our own to do what we want pretty much.  And sense we have free will and independence that opens up the door for bad things to happen.  Life would have been prefect if they hadn't eaten the fruit, but they did.  And sense God is incapable to do bad or evil things, in a sense He has no control over it.  When in all actually He does have control over everything, but sense we have free will He takes a step back and lets things happen.  It can be confusing but if you can wrap your head around it then it really does make sense.  Taking that step back and letting things happen is the only way we has imperfect humans are going to learn to lean on, or let God carry us.

Pastor Daryl is another wonderful person.  I had a really nice talk with him today.  He told me that it's OK to enjoy life, be happy, to get out and about.  That it's OK to have another child.  Pretty much, being happy is what Chatelle and God would want for me.  And I know that's true.  I have this fear of waking up one day and not remembering her at all, but I know that won't happen.

So let me leave you with this.  I actually picked up my Bible tonight and this is what God showed me.

Learning From Pain

Ezekiel 20 demonstrated how God disciplined his children in order to purify their hearts.  His actions illustrate that one purpose of suffering is that it leads to repentance.  Only after suffering or disaster, did Old Testament Israel, do some nations, do some individual people turn back to God.  The truth is, we often learn the hard way.  As C. S. Lewis said, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains.  It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."  And, of course, repentance leads to something wonderful-to blessedness, since God is the source of all joy and all life.  The outcome is good-in fact, it is better.  

Simply put, suffering is compatible with God's love if it is medicinal, remedial and necessary, that is, if we are very sick and desperately need a cure.  And that's our situation.  Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick...I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners" (Matthew 9:12-13)

*NIV The Case for Christ Study Bible*

Firebird

I just got done watching a movie called Unconditional.  I have to say it's the most amazing movie that I've seen in quite awhile (all based on truth by the way).  Considering that I'm going through a lot of doubts and loss of faith right now the movie helped me.  It's about a woman who lost her faith in God when her husband was killed.  But it doesn't stick around the depressing parts of loss, it shows how she got through it.  It tells a story about a little bird who every time it rained asked his mother why God let it rain, because the rain took away the sun.  The mother bird would reply that all he needed to do was fly above the clouds and he would see that the sun was still there.  That no matter how much it rained the sun was always on the other side of the cloud.  Now, translate that into adult language and it means that no matter how dark and dreary life gets God is always on the other side.

I already know all this, but I'm the kind of person who has to have everyone tell me the same thing over and over again and then some random person come up and tell me the same thing again and I finally get it.  I've been hearing it on K Love from the DJ's, from songs on K Love, books that I'm reading and even from my own head, but it took a movie and a book about a little bird to get it to sink in.  God is already there.  I'm the only thing that's holding me back.  All this time I've felt like He left me, I couldn't hear Him anymore when I talked to Him.  When I pray I feel like I'm talking to air because I don't feel that connection anymore.  And I thought and felt like He had turned His back to me and left me.  When in actuality I'm the one who left Him.  My anger towards Him, I blame Him for taking Chatelle away from me, I've called Him an unloving God.  All along He's been standing there waiting for me to see that He's there on the other side of this darkness.  How could I have forgotten that?

I am so unworthy of this life, of all His love that He gives me.  All the times that He's forgiven me when I know no one else in this world would.  All the stupid things I've done and yet He still blessed me with a wonderful family.  My husband has got to be one of the best people I know.  We've been through so much together.  There are some people that read this that know exactly what I'm talking about.  For those that don't, trust me when I say I know what it's like to have dirt that is more rich then you are, to go hungry for days because you have no gas to get to the store, much less the money to get gas and get food.  By the grace of God we got through that hard time.

And now this.  The loss of our daughter, depression, anger, rage.  Not a lot of men would put up with someone who got mad every time you saw them.  Who for no apparent reason would flip out and loose it and not know why.  And yet he has.  He's been right beside me through thick and thin.  We've had our fights and yes I've told him to leave multiple times, but he never has.  I thank God that Ben hasn't left me, without him here with me I'm not sure of anything.

Heart stopping

Chatelle Mae Hernandez

May 21st 2013

4:36 p.m.

6 lbs. 14 oz.

21" long

This is the first picture that I've put out for everyone to see of our daughter.  I wasn't sure if I was going to do that or not.  Just looking at her I see so much of me.  I think of all the things that have happened sense her birth.  Denial, anger, depression.  Putting my marriage on the line.  Really mad at God and still not understanding why. 

 There have been some good things happen.  We've been to the beach a couple times, Ben and I have opened up to one another about our feelings and how we're handling or loss.  I've been able to sleep better, I don't replay that day over and over as much now. 

I still have yet to go back to church.  Tonight was the first time I've been back in a couple of months.  My church is starting a young adults group and tonight was the ice breaker.  Getting to know everyone, if you didn't already, playing board games and eating finger foods.  It was a good night.  My brain got a break for a short while.  Not having to act like I was OK and in a good mood was also nice, because I was having such a fun time with everyone I didn't have to put on a face.  After having to put on a face for what feels like a long time, it's kinda hard to tell if I'm really enjoying myself or just going through the motions.  That was not the case tonight.  

Stronger, The pain ain't gonna last forever

wilt ¹  (wlt)

v. wilt·ed, wilt·ing, wilts

v.intr.

1. To become limp or flaccid; droop: plants wilting in the heat.

2. To feel or exhibit the effects of fatigue or exhaustion; weaken markedly: "His brain wilted from hitherto unprecedented weariness" (Vladimir Nabokov).

v.tr.

1. To cause to droop or lose freshness.

2. To deprive of energy or vigor; fatigue or exhaust.

n.

1. The act of wilting or the state of being wilted.

2. Any of various plant diseases characterized by slow or rapid collapse of terminal shoots, branches, or entire plants.

I'm wilting.  I've become limp, a loss of energy.  Just here.  

These last few days have been really hard.  Some things have come up in my personal life that took me by surprise and maybe I handled them the wrong way, or maybe I didn't.  I don't know.  I do know that they are putting me through a test to see how much I really can handle.  Throwing my marriage right to the line, testing my faith and believes.  Pushing me deeper into this depression to see if I can get out.  It all just sucks. 

I can't believe that some people think that it's OK to try to just waltz right back into someones life after they did horrible things.  After trying to break up my relationship with my now husband, stabbing me in the back and you have the nerve to even talk to me?!  Peoples stupidity amazes me.  Just when I think I've seen/heard it all I find out there's something else.

The above was written a few weeks ago.  I've been slacking, not wanting to write or do anything.  I've been told by multiple people that I need to find something to do that will take up my time.  I always thought that doing that meant to stay distracted, compared to the flip side of thinking about what happened all the time.  So I'm reading books now (quite a few books at one time), and trying to sit here and write.

I'm not sure just how much better I am.  I have good days and bad days, but it seems to me that I'm having more good days now than I have before.  This past weekend was nice.  Me, Ben and Marcus went to the beach with Ben's mom, brother and best friend.  It was nice to get away and have some time for Ben and I to talk and just be with each other.  I feel like we understand each other better now, where we both stand on dealing with the loss of Chatelle, and we both reassured each other again that we will get through this together.

I'm still having a hard time with this picture in my head.  Dr. D told us that Chatelle had been gone for two days, which would have been Sunday.  That day Chatelle was going crazy, kicking and moving all over during church.  If I had just known, or had a thought that something was different about her movement then maybe she would be here today.  But that's playing the "what if" game and that's never a good game to play.