Treasure inside

Putting Marcus to bed tonight I read to him the creation and how God made all things.  We really got into, talking about what all God makes....animals, trees, Mommy's and Daddy's, which lead into his cousins.  Marcus said that Baby Josh was his brother, so when I corrected him, "No Honey, Baby Josh is your cousin.  But you do have a little baby sister", and reminded him that he had a baby sister his face lit up.  I asked him if he knew where she was?  And this was his reply...

"Mommy, my little baby sister is far, far, far, far, far away."
"That's right Baby, she's in Heaven with Jesus and God, way up in the sky"
"Mommy, Jesus and God and my little baby sister live on a cloud"
"Yeah, I guess that could be right Baby.  You know who else is in Heaven with Jesus and God?"
*Marcus looks at me*
"Momma Mary.  She's in Heaven too.  Do you remember Momma Mary?"
"Yeah.  Momma, she was sleeping the the really big treasure box.  It wasn't a gold treasure box, but it was a treasure box"

A thought came to my mind right after he said that.  To a child it is a treasure box, to grown ups it's a casket.  But you know, I think Marcus had it right, it's definitely a treasure box.  Our bodies might not be the treasure inside, but our souls are most definitely a treasure.  

It took all I had not to cry right then.  Life it too short and memories are keepsakes.  Our stories are what our children's children will pass down when we are gone.  And our children take in so much more than we give them credit for.  Marcus doesn't know his little sister, but I do.  It's my job and my responsibility to pass her story down to him so that he can have a little bit of Chatelle with him always.  And Momma Mary as well.  If all that Marcus remembers about Momma Mary is her 'sleeping', then it's my job to tell him just how amazing and wonderful and loving and Christ like she was.

Children are amazing little people.  Marcus is constantly blowing my mind with what all he takes in.  And tonight was a reminder to myself that he gets it.

I danced with Cinderella

So tonight on my way home from church I heard "I danced with Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman on KLove and a large amount of sadness flooded over me.  I tried to picture in my head Ben dancing with Chatelle on her birthday and picking out her prom dress and dancing with her at her wedding.  I tried to picture in my head what she would look like at each age.  What life would be like with her here.  How different things would be.  
 
It worries me that I don't feel heartache all the time.  I'm happy, life is good, yet out of nowhere a song can tare open my heart and make me remember all the pain.  Flash backs from my Doctors office when I found out she was gone.  Jump to being at the hospital on the table praying over and over again for God to do just one more miracle! Just one more, I know He can do it, I know He can do it.

My heart will never heal, my soul will always cry out for her.  As much as I long for her to be here I know she is exactly where she needs to be.  She played the most important role in my life.  Everything I do, going back to school, playing piano, singing, is all for her and all because of her.  Though my life got turned upside down, I have new meaning.

And wondering what she looks like and what she would be like at 14 months old and as she grows up, is nothing compared to what she will look like when I see her one day.  And that thought makes me overflow with happiness.

Happy Birthday Chatelle!

So it's been a while sense I said anything.  Honestly I've been doing really well.  I'm back into school, going for Surgical Tech.  It took me some time to feel OK about my future being in a hospital where I will have the possibility of having to be in the same situation that the wonderful ladies where with me when I lost Chatelle.  My fear was wondering what would I do.  Would I be able to handle that?  And my answer was God giving me peace and letting me know that it would all be OK.

So here I am, I've gotten through birthdays, holidays, incredibly deep depression and longing to die.  I don't hate God anymore, but there are times that Satan tries to fill my head with doubt still, but I'm strong enough now to turn away and make him leave.  I've made it trough a lot of trials and days, weeks and months that I didn't think I would be able to, but I'm still here and I feel stronger than I did before.

Today, May 21st at 4:36 pm is Chatelle's first birthday.  I wonder all the time what she would look like and what she would be doing now.  Would she be up and walking and trying to run around by now?  What would her favorite foods be?  I wonder what she would be able to say and what her little laugh would sound like?  Would she be like her Daddy or her Momma?  Would she be a heavy sleeper or a light sleeper?
    
Last week and this week have been especially hard for me.  Multiple breakdowns and feeling like I was falling back into my depression.  Asking questions again that I know right now will not be answered and feeling guilty for not knowing something was wrong with her.  I have Satan trying to bring me down too, reminding me what I felt like and telling me that I was not a good mother to her.  I have felt physically sick this week when I think about it.  

I know she is not here physically, but she is with me all the time and she can hear me when I talk to her.  And that's what I've been doing a lot of lately.  Talking to her and telling her how much I miss her and how this break in my heart will never heal.  My life may go on, but inside I'm still screaming with pain.  There are still times when I want to go outside and scream out her name and just let it all go.  I'm still scared that one day I'll wake up and not remember her, I won't think of her and I won't miss her.  I'm scared of what will happen when I get pregnant again, that I'll not only be extremely nervous but that people will think "Oh, now she has another baby, she's perfectly fine and she'll get over Chatelle now".  That is something I never want to happen.  I never want to "get over" losing my child.  She was a human being, she gave me memories and a new meaning to my life, she is still a part of me, every day.

So, Chatelle, Thank you!  You have helped me become a stronger person, a better mother and a better wife.  I understand how sacred a marriage is now; what it means to work through something that I never thought possible. 

I have made changes in my life and I look at the world through different eyes now.  Life is just a fleeting moment that we try to hold on to.  We try to capture all the "important" moments in our lives and remember all our memories.  Yes, I still hold on very dearly to the memories of my family but I know that my goal is to one day be with my family for all eternity in Heaven.  I look forward to the day when I go Home and see my Chatelle waiting for me with open arms.

The other night I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and failing at it, so I starting praying.  Telling God the same thing He has heard over and over again from me, "I want to see my daughter", "It's not fair", "She was perfect".  This time I heard something, and I'll tell you the conversation.  

Me:  "God, she was perfect, I don't understand, she was absolutely perfect"
God:  "My son was perfect too"
Me:  "Yes, but your son came back to life and is in Heaven with you right now"
God:  "Yes, but so did your daughter and she is here with me too" 


Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday my beautiful Chatelle  
I will be with you one day soon~ Momma

Song For The Broken

Sense my last time writing some things have happened.  Some things that I'm not really proud of and some things that I am proud of.  

I'm now off my "Happy Pills".  Not by choice, more like I no longer have Medicaid, Ben makes too much for Medicaid but his work doesn't offer insurance, and we don't have the money to be dishing out for private insurance.  I knew I was of course going to run out of pills, so I looked into finding a free clinic or a place that offers a sliding scale, and please let me be the first to say that GUILFORD COUNTY SUCKS.  They offer NOTHING, and the neighboring counties can't do anything because I'm not in that county.  So, my decision to get off my pills was not mine, more like it was Guilford County's decision.  

The first week off my pills was horrible!  Tons of mood swings, major anger management problems.  Throw in some thoughts to hurt myself just to end the pain I was feeling again, and you could say it was a really hard time.  I thought that my pills were helping me cope with my loss, but now that I'm off them I think they were putting up a false persona.  Like they were prohibiting me from feeling and dealing with everything.  Issues that I thought I had over come were popping back up, like my anger with God.

So, my youngest sister Melissa and her hubby Issac and their child Fronze (hope I'm spelling that right), which is a dog (don't worry they would not name a real child that lol), came into town.  I'm not sure of the details, but I'm pretty sure that was a God thing.  Issac had some time off work this past weekend (10-12-13), which just happened to be the same weekend as The Walk To Remember.  So, they drove down for a long weekend and came to the walk with us.  

You want to talk about an emotional day Sat the 12th was it.  The Walk of Remembrance and Hope of 2013 was our first walk for Chatelle.  I had been preparing myself for that day, having no clue what it would be like, what mood I would be in and how much I would cry.  It was a wonderful emotional day.  It broke my heart to hear all the names of babies that are not here.  I remember one family in particular who said their child's name followed by "and 5 siblings".  My heart sill aches for that family even now as I'm writing this.  6 children.  I feel like I want to scream it out.  Losing a child is something that should ONLY happen to someone once in their life.  NOT have it happen to them 6 times!  

I'm listening to Barlow Girl on my computer while writing this and the question "Where where you God?" popped in my head.  He didn't wait long to answer me.  Jesus Loves Me came to my mind and I saw a picture in my minds eye of God holding all 6 of that families children.  That's where He was and where He still is.  Jesus loves the little children.  He holds them and loves them for us.  I remember when I was reading Heaven is For Real and the little boy told his dad that he (the dad) didn't understand just how much Jesus loves the little children.  The little boy was really stressing it out to his father.  We as humans and parents think that there is no one else who could or would love our children more than we do.  Well, I hope we all know that we are all wrong.  We love our children with all our hearts yes, but our hearts are human hearts not God hearts.  If we could feel just a tiny amount or imagine the amount that God loves us all then we would...I don't know, burst or something.  My point is that it's impossible to fathom how much God loves us.

Love is a hard thing sometimes.  Like for me and what happened to Chatelle I hated God.  I stopped loving Him.  Hate was easier, it summed it up.  I can sit here today and say that I do not hate God anymore.  I'm a shy person, I don't like to talk in front of people, but on Sunday something came over me.  I couldn't sit still, I had this uncontrollable urge to run up to the alter and tell everyone!  I didn't run up to the alter, but I did go and pray and after the prayer I got up and spoke.  I don't remember what all I said because the words that were coming out of my mouth were not from me.  I do know that I told everyone that I don't hate God anymore.     

I know this is kinda long, but I want to say Thank You again to everyone out there for your thoughts and prayers.  Please remember that people lose their children every single day.  Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers as well.  It's the hardest thing to come back from.  I'm sure I sound like it's been a long time sense I lost Chatelle, but it hasn't even been 5 months.  I pray that people and families who don't have any family or a church family to turn to will reach out and find someone, something that will help them in a positive way.

Good Things in the Game of Life

I just want to throw this out there first.  I am blessed.  Even though there are times when I doubt that statement God calls a "foul" and throws out a little yellow flag and the play back starts.  It's then that I see how blessed I really am.

We went to church on Sunday.  It was really hard.  It was great to see everyone, but being there was difficult.  I couldn't get into the music, I didn't feel that feeling when you know you're standing and in presence of God.  I was just there.  It seems like there are times when all my happiness is overrun by despair.  It happens when I try to listen to K Love, I just can't do it.  The music is almost repulsive to me and I end up changing the station.

Anyways, there's a lady at the church that just had a baby; I say "just" but what I mean is this beautiful baby is about a week and a half older than what Chatelle would and should be, so 3 months old.  I've wanted so badly to see this baby from the day she was brought into this world, but Sunday was the first time I got to meet her.  I saw her come in and sit down, and excitement flowed over me.  There she was!  And then it all hit me...I remembered Sunday May 19th when Chatelle was moving all over the place and kicking me and stretching.  I put my hand on my belly just for a second to try and remember what her moving felt like.  And I walked out.  I could not do it!  I wanted to run out and not come back.  Instead I went to confide in a very kind and patient lady, who just happened to be the baby's grandmother.  I didn't plan on doing this, she was the first person who popped in my head.  Call it a God moment, if you will.  Long story short we ended up talking and crying in a little classroom while Pastor Daryl was preaching.  She told me of her mother who had passed away and came back.  How she was so upset when she was brought back, she stopped eating and started going down hill.  When asked why she was doing this to herself, her response was because she wanted to go back.  She had gone to Heaven and seen her children that she had lost, she saw Jesus with all the little children.  She was at peace, and then she was brought back.  Hearing that made me so sad but at the same time it put a spark in me.  I know my baby girl is up in Heaven and as this wonderful woman said "what better baby sitter than Jesus".  As if this conversation was not good enough another wonderful woman came and joined us.  She told me a little about her son she had lost.  She encouraged me letting me know that with time this drowning feeling that I'm living with will end.  That God sees and knows the meaning for all things, and He's going to be patient with me and wait for me on the other side. Thank you Mrs. Suzy and Mrs. Betty for being there, I truly am blessed to have you both in my life.

There's a book that I highly suggest to everyone, it's called The Shack.  If you have not read it, read it!  It is amazing!  It helped me understand some things.  1~ God does not know evil.  2~ He has nothing to do with the bad things that happen to us.  3~ He will make beautiful things out of horrible things.
I've had the thought in my head for a while now that God made this happen to me.  That He could have stopped this (which He could have), but that was not His plan.  This book, The Shack, explains it saying that when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit that gave us independence, free will, a mind of our own to do what we want pretty much.  And sense we have free will and independence that opens up the door for bad things to happen.  Life would have been prefect if they hadn't eaten the fruit, but they did.  And sense God is incapable to do bad or evil things, in a sense He has no control over it.  When in all actually He does have control over everything, but sense we have free will He takes a step back and lets things happen.  It can be confusing but if you can wrap your head around it then it really does make sense.  Taking that step back and letting things happen is the only way we has imperfect humans are going to learn to lean on, or let God carry us.

Pastor Daryl is another wonderful person.  I had a really nice talk with him today.  He told me that it's OK to enjoy life, be happy, to get out and about.  That it's OK to have another child.  Pretty much, being happy is what Chatelle and God would want for me.  And I know that's true.  I have this fear of waking up one day and not remembering her at all, but I know that won't happen.

So let me leave you with this.  I actually picked up my Bible tonight and this is what God showed me.

Learning From Pain

Ezekiel 20 demonstrated how God disciplined his children in order to purify their hearts.  His actions illustrate that one purpose of suffering is that it leads to repentance.  Only after suffering or disaster, did Old Testament Israel, do some nations, do some individual people turn back to God.  The truth is, we often learn the hard way.  As C. S. Lewis said, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains.  It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."  And, of course, repentance leads to something wonderful-to blessedness, since God is the source of all joy and all life.  The outcome is good-in fact, it is better.  

Simply put, suffering is compatible with God's love if it is medicinal, remedial and necessary, that is, if we are very sick and desperately need a cure.  And that's our situation.  Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick...I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners" (Matthew 9:12-13)

*NIV The Case for Christ Study Bible*

Firebird

I just got done watching a movie called Unconditional.  I have to say it's the most amazing movie that I've seen in quite awhile (all based on truth by the way).  Considering that I'm going through a lot of doubts and loss of faith right now the movie helped me.  It's about a woman who lost her faith in God when her husband was killed.  But it doesn't stick around the depressing parts of loss, it shows how she got through it.  It tells a story about a little bird who every time it rained asked his mother why God let it rain, because the rain took away the sun.  The mother bird would reply that all he needed to do was fly above the clouds and he would see that the sun was still there.  That no matter how much it rained the sun was always on the other side of the cloud.  Now, translate that into adult language and it means that no matter how dark and dreary life gets God is always on the other side.

I already know all this, but I'm the kind of person who has to have everyone tell me the same thing over and over again and then some random person come up and tell me the same thing again and I finally get it.  I've been hearing it on K Love from the DJ's, from songs on K Love, books that I'm reading and even from my own head, but it took a movie and a book about a little bird to get it to sink in.  God is already there.  I'm the only thing that's holding me back.  All this time I've felt like He left me, I couldn't hear Him anymore when I talked to Him.  When I pray I feel like I'm talking to air because I don't feel that connection anymore.  And I thought and felt like He had turned His back to me and left me.  When in actuality I'm the one who left Him.  My anger towards Him, I blame Him for taking Chatelle away from me, I've called Him an unloving God.  All along He's been standing there waiting for me to see that He's there on the other side of this darkness.  How could I have forgotten that?

I am so unworthy of this life, of all His love that He gives me.  All the times that He's forgiven me when I know no one else in this world would.  All the stupid things I've done and yet He still blessed me with a wonderful family.  My husband has got to be one of the best people I know.  We've been through so much together.  There are some people that read this that know exactly what I'm talking about.  For those that don't, trust me when I say I know what it's like to have dirt that is more rich then you are, to go hungry for days because you have no gas to get to the store, much less the money to get gas and get food.  By the grace of God we got through that hard time.

And now this.  The loss of our daughter, depression, anger, rage.  Not a lot of men would put up with someone who got mad every time you saw them.  Who for no apparent reason would flip out and loose it and not know why.  And yet he has.  He's been right beside me through thick and thin.  We've had our fights and yes I've told him to leave multiple times, but he never has.  I thank God that Ben hasn't left me, without him here with me I'm not sure of anything.

Heart stopping

Chatelle Mae Hernandez

May 21st 2013

4:36 p.m.

6 lbs. 14 oz.

21" long

This is the first picture that I've put out for everyone to see of our daughter.  I wasn't sure if I was going to do that or not.  Just looking at her I see so much of me.  I think of all the things that have happened sense her birth.  Denial, anger, depression.  Putting my marriage on the line.  Really mad at God and still not understanding why. 

 There have been some good things happen.  We've been to the beach a couple times, Ben and I have opened up to one another about our feelings and how we're handling or loss.  I've been able to sleep better, I don't replay that day over and over as much now. 

I still have yet to go back to church.  Tonight was the first time I've been back in a couple of months.  My church is starting a young adults group and tonight was the ice breaker.  Getting to know everyone, if you didn't already, playing board games and eating finger foods.  It was a good night.  My brain got a break for a short while.  Not having to act like I was OK and in a good mood was also nice, because I was having such a fun time with everyone I didn't have to put on a face.  After having to put on a face for what feels like a long time, it's kinda hard to tell if I'm really enjoying myself or just going through the motions.  That was not the case tonight.