Song For The Broken

Sense my last time writing some things have happened.  Some things that I'm not really proud of and some things that I am proud of.  

I'm now off my "Happy Pills".  Not by choice, more like I no longer have Medicaid, Ben makes too much for Medicaid but his work doesn't offer insurance, and we don't have the money to be dishing out for private insurance.  I knew I was of course going to run out of pills, so I looked into finding a free clinic or a place that offers a sliding scale, and please let me be the first to say that GUILFORD COUNTY SUCKS.  They offer NOTHING, and the neighboring counties can't do anything because I'm not in that county.  So, my decision to get off my pills was not mine, more like it was Guilford County's decision.  

The first week off my pills was horrible!  Tons of mood swings, major anger management problems.  Throw in some thoughts to hurt myself just to end the pain I was feeling again, and you could say it was a really hard time.  I thought that my pills were helping me cope with my loss, but now that I'm off them I think they were putting up a false persona.  Like they were prohibiting me from feeling and dealing with everything.  Issues that I thought I had over come were popping back up, like my anger with God.

So, my youngest sister Melissa and her hubby Issac and their child Fronze (hope I'm spelling that right), which is a dog (don't worry they would not name a real child that lol), came into town.  I'm not sure of the details, but I'm pretty sure that was a God thing.  Issac had some time off work this past weekend (10-12-13), which just happened to be the same weekend as The Walk To Remember.  So, they drove down for a long weekend and came to the walk with us.  

You want to talk about an emotional day Sat the 12th was it.  The Walk of Remembrance and Hope of 2013 was our first walk for Chatelle.  I had been preparing myself for that day, having no clue what it would be like, what mood I would be in and how much I would cry.  It was a wonderful emotional day.  It broke my heart to hear all the names of babies that are not here.  I remember one family in particular who said their child's name followed by "and 5 siblings".  My heart sill aches for that family even now as I'm writing this.  6 children.  I feel like I want to scream it out.  Losing a child is something that should ONLY happen to someone once in their life.  NOT have it happen to them 6 times!  

I'm listening to Barlow Girl on my computer while writing this and the question "Where where you God?" popped in my head.  He didn't wait long to answer me.  Jesus Loves Me came to my mind and I saw a picture in my minds eye of God holding all 6 of that families children.  That's where He was and where He still is.  Jesus loves the little children.  He holds them and loves them for us.  I remember when I was reading Heaven is For Real and the little boy told his dad that he (the dad) didn't understand just how much Jesus loves the little children.  The little boy was really stressing it out to his father.  We as humans and parents think that there is no one else who could or would love our children more than we do.  Well, I hope we all know that we are all wrong.  We love our children with all our hearts yes, but our hearts are human hearts not God hearts.  If we could feel just a tiny amount or imagine the amount that God loves us all then we would...I don't know, burst or something.  My point is that it's impossible to fathom how much God loves us.

Love is a hard thing sometimes.  Like for me and what happened to Chatelle I hated God.  I stopped loving Him.  Hate was easier, it summed it up.  I can sit here today and say that I do not hate God anymore.  I'm a shy person, I don't like to talk in front of people, but on Sunday something came over me.  I couldn't sit still, I had this uncontrollable urge to run up to the alter and tell everyone!  I didn't run up to the alter, but I did go and pray and after the prayer I got up and spoke.  I don't remember what all I said because the words that were coming out of my mouth were not from me.  I do know that I told everyone that I don't hate God anymore.     

I know this is kinda long, but I want to say Thank You again to everyone out there for your thoughts and prayers.  Please remember that people lose their children every single day.  Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers as well.  It's the hardest thing to come back from.  I'm sure I sound like it's been a long time sense I lost Chatelle, but it hasn't even been 5 months.  I pray that people and families who don't have any family or a church family to turn to will reach out and find someone, something that will help them in a positive way.

Good Things in the Game of Life

I just want to throw this out there first.  I am blessed.  Even though there are times when I doubt that statement God calls a "foul" and throws out a little yellow flag and the play back starts.  It's then that I see how blessed I really am.

We went to church on Sunday.  It was really hard.  It was great to see everyone, but being there was difficult.  I couldn't get into the music, I didn't feel that feeling when you know you're standing and in presence of God.  I was just there.  It seems like there are times when all my happiness is overrun by despair.  It happens when I try to listen to K Love, I just can't do it.  The music is almost repulsive to me and I end up changing the station.

Anyways, there's a lady at the church that just had a baby; I say "just" but what I mean is this beautiful baby is about a week and a half older than what Chatelle would and should be, so 3 months old.  I've wanted so badly to see this baby from the day she was brought into this world, but Sunday was the first time I got to meet her.  I saw her come in and sit down, and excitement flowed over me.  There she was!  And then it all hit me...I remembered Sunday May 19th when Chatelle was moving all over the place and kicking me and stretching.  I put my hand on my belly just for a second to try and remember what her moving felt like.  And I walked out.  I could not do it!  I wanted to run out and not come back.  Instead I went to confide in a very kind and patient lady, who just happened to be the baby's grandmother.  I didn't plan on doing this, she was the first person who popped in my head.  Call it a God moment, if you will.  Long story short we ended up talking and crying in a little classroom while Pastor Daryl was preaching.  She told me of her mother who had passed away and came back.  How she was so upset when she was brought back, she stopped eating and started going down hill.  When asked why she was doing this to herself, her response was because she wanted to go back.  She had gone to Heaven and seen her children that she had lost, she saw Jesus with all the little children.  She was at peace, and then she was brought back.  Hearing that made me so sad but at the same time it put a spark in me.  I know my baby girl is up in Heaven and as this wonderful woman said "what better baby sitter than Jesus".  As if this conversation was not good enough another wonderful woman came and joined us.  She told me a little about her son she had lost.  She encouraged me letting me know that with time this drowning feeling that I'm living with will end.  That God sees and knows the meaning for all things, and He's going to be patient with me and wait for me on the other side. Thank you Mrs. Suzy and Mrs. Betty for being there, I truly am blessed to have you both in my life.

There's a book that I highly suggest to everyone, it's called The Shack.  If you have not read it, read it!  It is amazing!  It helped me understand some things.  1~ God does not know evil.  2~ He has nothing to do with the bad things that happen to us.  3~ He will make beautiful things out of horrible things.
I've had the thought in my head for a while now that God made this happen to me.  That He could have stopped this (which He could have), but that was not His plan.  This book, The Shack, explains it saying that when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit that gave us independence, free will, a mind of our own to do what we want pretty much.  And sense we have free will and independence that opens up the door for bad things to happen.  Life would have been prefect if they hadn't eaten the fruit, but they did.  And sense God is incapable to do bad or evil things, in a sense He has no control over it.  When in all actually He does have control over everything, but sense we have free will He takes a step back and lets things happen.  It can be confusing but if you can wrap your head around it then it really does make sense.  Taking that step back and letting things happen is the only way we has imperfect humans are going to learn to lean on, or let God carry us.

Pastor Daryl is another wonderful person.  I had a really nice talk with him today.  He told me that it's OK to enjoy life, be happy, to get out and about.  That it's OK to have another child.  Pretty much, being happy is what Chatelle and God would want for me.  And I know that's true.  I have this fear of waking up one day and not remembering her at all, but I know that won't happen.

So let me leave you with this.  I actually picked up my Bible tonight and this is what God showed me.

Learning From Pain

Ezekiel 20 demonstrated how God disciplined his children in order to purify their hearts.  His actions illustrate that one purpose of suffering is that it leads to repentance.  Only after suffering or disaster, did Old Testament Israel, do some nations, do some individual people turn back to God.  The truth is, we often learn the hard way.  As C. S. Lewis said, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains.  It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."  And, of course, repentance leads to something wonderful-to blessedness, since God is the source of all joy and all life.  The outcome is good-in fact, it is better.  

Simply put, suffering is compatible with God's love if it is medicinal, remedial and necessary, that is, if we are very sick and desperately need a cure.  And that's our situation.  Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick...I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners" (Matthew 9:12-13)

*NIV The Case for Christ Study Bible*

Firebird

I just got done watching a movie called Unconditional.  I have to say it's the most amazing movie that I've seen in quite awhile (all based on truth by the way).  Considering that I'm going through a lot of doubts and loss of faith right now the movie helped me.  It's about a woman who lost her faith in God when her husband was killed.  But it doesn't stick around the depressing parts of loss, it shows how she got through it.  It tells a story about a little bird who every time it rained asked his mother why God let it rain, because the rain took away the sun.  The mother bird would reply that all he needed to do was fly above the clouds and he would see that the sun was still there.  That no matter how much it rained the sun was always on the other side of the cloud.  Now, translate that into adult language and it means that no matter how dark and dreary life gets God is always on the other side.

I already know all this, but I'm the kind of person who has to have everyone tell me the same thing over and over again and then some random person come up and tell me the same thing again and I finally get it.  I've been hearing it on K Love from the DJ's, from songs on K Love, books that I'm reading and even from my own head, but it took a movie and a book about a little bird to get it to sink in.  God is already there.  I'm the only thing that's holding me back.  All this time I've felt like He left me, I couldn't hear Him anymore when I talked to Him.  When I pray I feel like I'm talking to air because I don't feel that connection anymore.  And I thought and felt like He had turned His back to me and left me.  When in actuality I'm the one who left Him.  My anger towards Him, I blame Him for taking Chatelle away from me, I've called Him an unloving God.  All along He's been standing there waiting for me to see that He's there on the other side of this darkness.  How could I have forgotten that?

I am so unworthy of this life, of all His love that He gives me.  All the times that He's forgiven me when I know no one else in this world would.  All the stupid things I've done and yet He still blessed me with a wonderful family.  My husband has got to be one of the best people I know.  We've been through so much together.  There are some people that read this that know exactly what I'm talking about.  For those that don't, trust me when I say I know what it's like to have dirt that is more rich then you are, to go hungry for days because you have no gas to get to the store, much less the money to get gas and get food.  By the grace of God we got through that hard time.

And now this.  The loss of our daughter, depression, anger, rage.  Not a lot of men would put up with someone who got mad every time you saw them.  Who for no apparent reason would flip out and loose it and not know why.  And yet he has.  He's been right beside me through thick and thin.  We've had our fights and yes I've told him to leave multiple times, but he never has.  I thank God that Ben hasn't left me, without him here with me I'm not sure of anything.

Heart stopping

Chatelle Mae Hernandez

May 21st 2013

4:36 p.m.

6 lbs. 14 oz.

21" long

This is the first picture that I've put out for everyone to see of our daughter.  I wasn't sure if I was going to do that or not.  Just looking at her I see so much of me.  I think of all the things that have happened sense her birth.  Denial, anger, depression.  Putting my marriage on the line.  Really mad at God and still not understanding why. 

 There have been some good things happen.  We've been to the beach a couple times, Ben and I have opened up to one another about our feelings and how we're handling or loss.  I've been able to sleep better, I don't replay that day over and over as much now. 

I still have yet to go back to church.  Tonight was the first time I've been back in a couple of months.  My church is starting a young adults group and tonight was the ice breaker.  Getting to know everyone, if you didn't already, playing board games and eating finger foods.  It was a good night.  My brain got a break for a short while.  Not having to act like I was OK and in a good mood was also nice, because I was having such a fun time with everyone I didn't have to put on a face.  After having to put on a face for what feels like a long time, it's kinda hard to tell if I'm really enjoying myself or just going through the motions.  That was not the case tonight.  

Stronger, The pain ain't gonna last forever

wilt ¹  (wlt)

v. wilt·ed, wilt·ing, wilts

v.intr.

1. To become limp or flaccid; droop: plants wilting in the heat.

2. To feel or exhibit the effects of fatigue or exhaustion; weaken markedly: "His brain wilted from hitherto unprecedented weariness" (Vladimir Nabokov).

v.tr.

1. To cause to droop or lose freshness.

2. To deprive of energy or vigor; fatigue or exhaust.

n.

1. The act of wilting or the state of being wilted.

2. Any of various plant diseases characterized by slow or rapid collapse of terminal shoots, branches, or entire plants.

I'm wilting.  I've become limp, a loss of energy.  Just here.  

These last few days have been really hard.  Some things have come up in my personal life that took me by surprise and maybe I handled them the wrong way, or maybe I didn't.  I don't know.  I do know that they are putting me through a test to see how much I really can handle.  Throwing my marriage right to the line, testing my faith and believes.  Pushing me deeper into this depression to see if I can get out.  It all just sucks. 

I can't believe that some people think that it's OK to try to just waltz right back into someones life after they did horrible things.  After trying to break up my relationship with my now husband, stabbing me in the back and you have the nerve to even talk to me?!  Peoples stupidity amazes me.  Just when I think I've seen/heard it all I find out there's something else.

The above was written a few weeks ago.  I've been slacking, not wanting to write or do anything.  I've been told by multiple people that I need to find something to do that will take up my time.  I always thought that doing that meant to stay distracted, compared to the flip side of thinking about what happened all the time.  So I'm reading books now (quite a few books at one time), and trying to sit here and write.

I'm not sure just how much better I am.  I have good days and bad days, but it seems to me that I'm having more good days now than I have before.  This past weekend was nice.  Me, Ben and Marcus went to the beach with Ben's mom, brother and best friend.  It was nice to get away and have some time for Ben and I to talk and just be with each other.  I feel like we understand each other better now, where we both stand on dealing with the loss of Chatelle, and we both reassured each other again that we will get through this together.

I'm still having a hard time with this picture in my head.  Dr. D told us that Chatelle had been gone for two days, which would have been Sunday.  That day Chatelle was going crazy, kicking and moving all over during church.  If I had just known, or had a thought that something was different about her movement then maybe she would be here today.  But that's playing the "what if" game and that's never a good game to play.  

Unexpected expectations

 I feel like I need to write, but I'm not sure what to write about.  I'm frustrated and tired.  Today was my birthday, I'm now 29 :)  It was actually a good day.  Mammy and Pappy took Marcus to church for us and Ben and I went out.  We went out for lunch, then headed over to Hobby Lobby to find out that they where closed.  Turned around and went to Barns and Noble and got 2 books, 90 Minutes in Heaven, and The Bereaved Parent.  I'm hoping that The Bereaved Parent will help me work through my feelings and help me move forward with my marriage.  Not that things are bad but I can say that things are up and down.  One minute I'm fine and the next I'm really mad over nothing.  I just did that a few minutes ago, that's why I'm sitting here writing.

I have a new obsession.  I never thought that I had a green thumb but I guess I do now.  I'm all into growing plants.  I have 2 beautiful orchids, a morning glory that gets bigger and bigger every day, my ivy that I've had for years, peace lilies and of course my Elle tree.  I'm doing really well at keeping them all alive.  But now I'm growing flowers from seeds and doing pretty well.  The other day Ben asked me a question, I don't remember the question but I do remember that I misheard him.  I thought that he asked why I was into plants now, and my answer was "it's something that I can keep alive".  I know that it's not my fault that Chatelle's not here.  I know that I didn't do anything wrong.  But I guess either subconsciously or not I feel that since Chatelle didn't live if I can keep something else alive then I'm doing something right.  Not sure if that makes sense to everyone but it makes sense to me.  I'm taking care of a "baby", nurturing and feeding them every day.  Making sure they are taken care of.

I'm tired of feeling, tired of thinking.  There are days when all I want and wish I could do was lay in bed, pull the sheets over my head and sleep all day long.  Like the song "Worn" says "I'm worn even before the day begins", I'm worn all the time.  There's a huge hole in my heart and I'm trying to find a way to fix it, though there is really no way of fixing it is there?  I feel like people just expect me to "move on" and act as though nothing happened.  Well I'm sorry i guess, cause I can't do that.  I can't forget about what happened, I can't act like nothing happened, I can't act like I'm not hurting and in the most misery that I've ever felt.  I can't act happy when I'm not.  The only thing I feel is pain and anger.  I don't want to feel happy right now.  The last time I felt happy my daughter was taken away from me.  I'm trying to figure this all out.  Trying to figure out how to be happy again without feeling guilty.

Let me know the struggle ends

How good is God?
How much does He really care about us?
Should I think that since I'm a Christian and believe in Him that I'm exempt from the harshness and cruelty of this world we live in?

I know God is good and I know that He really does care about us, but there are times now when I get so mad at Him and the thought that He's forgotten about me comes to mind, and I find myself having to force those thoughts away.  I try really hard to remember that there are reasons my baby died.

Anger.  People who ask me how I'm doing really don't want to know the answer to that question.  They have no clue that asking that question could bring out something they were not expecting.  "How are you doing today?", " I'm doing OK considering my baby died five weeks ago.  She was perfectly healthy, but ended up having the cord wrapped around her neck multiple times.  So here I am with a new scar and no baby to show for it.  I'm having to figure out how to go on from day to day and deal with family and friends and being around people.  All the while I'm wanting to scream and cry out "Why God, why me?!"  But I'm doing fine, thanks for asking."
The answer to the simple question "How are you doing today?" is not so simple.  That's why it's really never a good idea to ask that question because you never know what answer you'll get.

I'm having a hard time doing things now.  Going to church is hard for me.  I'm not losing my faith or trust in God, I actually feel closer to Him now then I did before.  I'm leaning on Him all the time and He's carrying me all the time.  I'm doing devotions now and reading the Bible again.  The hard part for me about going to church now is that I see Chatelle's funeral.  I see how things where set up and where the flowers and her pictures were.  I remember my Aunt Kim speaking and my sister Jessica singing, and the song that Ben picked out to play.  I remember the emptiness inside me and the rude awakening that what happened was real and not a horrible dream.
I'm also having a hard time dealing with every day life.  I feel like a robot on auto run.  I have no emotion (other than anger), I do very little around the house, I haven't cooked in so long and I have no desire to cook.  Those who know me know that I love to cook now compared to when I was younger (I'm almost 29 so younger to me was around 22 years old).
My poor husband and son have no clue what kind of mood I'll be in from minute to minute.  I have no need or want for any kind of closeness unless I'm crying or really need a hug or something.  I don't want to be touched.  I don't want, or maybe it's a I don't know how to, have any happiness now.  There is a huge hole in my heart and I don't know how to let it heal.

What is normalcy?  I lived from day to day with a life that I thought was normal.  I have a husband, a son, family and friends that love me.  That's all normal.  Losing a child is not normal.  I woke up that day and little did I know that my life would no longer be under the category of normalcy.  I just got off the phone a minute ago and one of the last things that was said was "I've missed talking to you".  That small, innocent, honest line made me start thinking about all the things I miss about my old life.  I say old because I don't feel like the woman I used to be before all this.  I miss being able to smile without feeling guilty, as if being happy means that I forget about Chatelle.  I miss the closeness that me and my husband used to have, the wanting to be held.  I miss the innocence that I used to have, thinking that nothing like this could or would ever happen to my family.  I even miss the bad days that I had, the arguments that Ben and I have had.  Even though they were bad days or arguments, they were still normal every day issues.  Now when I think about something there's a line that splits down the middle.  The "before" and the "after" line.  Before Chatelle died and after Chatelle died.   That line will always be there.

How many times have You heard me cry out?

Have I said lately that my family is wonderful?  Not just my blood family, but my church family too.  If it wasn't for all the people praying for Ben and I for God to carry us and take care of us I'm not sure where we would be right now.  It's not something I want to think about.  It still amazes me how people from all over can and will come together when others are in need.  People from NC, VA, even England were praying.  Family, friends and people who I will never get a chance to meet and to say thank you to where praying.  Thank you, thank you.

While I was in the hospital God gave me a vision.  I was by myself praying and crying.  I begged God to give me my little girl, to let me see her again.  To be able to touch her and hold her.  Everything turned white, and not just white but a blinding white.  I saw God walking towards me and in His arms was Chatelle.  She was beautiful.  My baby girl was reaching out to me, she knew who I was.  And then I heard Him.  He said to me "I have her.  She's in my arms now.  She's safe".  Then she was gone.  God had given me what I asked.  He had let me see her again and He gave me the assurance that she was with Him and in His arms.  You may think I'm crazy, but I'm not.  God gave me the vision.

My whole family came together when we lost Chatelle.  My sister Melissa, came down and stayed two weeks for me.  My other sisters, Angel and Jessica, came over all the time.  Friends from church came over. My cousin Katie gave us a beautiful Cherry Blossom tree in remembrance of Chatelle.  My wonderful husband, Ben, thinks I'm crazy but I named the tree Elle.  Mammy and Pappy made a garden around Elle with beautiful flowers.  My mother-in-law and sister-in-law gave me a beautiful necklace with charms in it in remembrance of Chatelle.  There is more but I can't think of them all right now.  I want to say thank you to everyone.  I hope you all know how much I love you and have been so blessed to be around you all.

I've had time to think about reasons why God planned for this to happen.  I've realized that He did answer our prayers, just not the way we wanted them answered.  If Chatelle had lived her quality of life would have been zero.  The brain damage that she would have had, she wouldn't have been able to do anything.  God answered our prayers when we asked for her to live.  She's living in Heaven now, where angels sing, where she has family.  The streets are made of gold and the rivers look like glass.  God is carrying her around in His wonderful loving arms.  What better place to be if she can't be in my arms.

This has also opened my eyes to just how precious life really is.  I know we're not promised tomorrow, but this has really hit home for me.  I try not to take my little boy for granted anymore, thinking that he's going to be here until I'm gone.  Life is so precious.  Someone told me this a while back.  Our children are not ours, they are Gods.  God lets us borrow them so we can teach them and guide them down the right path.  And when God is done with us (cause we are all Gods children) He takes us home.  If you are sitting here, breathing and reading this then God is not done with you.  Please remember and know that there is a purpose for all the things that we go through.  We might not ever understand, and we might not ever heal from a loss, but God still has a purpose for you.

You went your way And I stayed behind

Today marks one month.  One month that my little girl has been gone.  One month that I've been without her.  One month that she's been with her Father.

I never thought that I would be sitting on my bed writing all this.  Things that you see in movies or read in books or hear from friends of friends, you never think that will happen to you.  You know it's horrible and sad, but for some reason you think you're invincible from it.

Well I woke up from that dream really fast.  I'm not sure who all was at the hospital besides my family while I was getting prepped for my C-Section.  But I do know that everyone was praying for God to do us a miracle.  For the doctor to be amazed that she was alive.  As I was laying on the operating table holding Ben's hand I was praying.  Telling God I knew how capable He was to do this, like He needed to be reminded.  I was reminding God how Jesus brought people back to life, and how He healed the blind and made a lame man walk.  My uncle Lee came flooding in my head.  If God could save Lee's eye sight and heal him then God could do this for me and Ben.

It felt like hours that I was on that table.  In reality it was only 35 minutes.  As the operating staff was wheeling me to the recovery room I remember rolling by a waiting room and wondering if that was where my family was.  I didn't see anyone, but later I found out that that was where everyone was.  Lynn saw me being rolled to the recovery room, and I'm told that she feel into dads arms when she saw me.  She knew that Chatelle was gone.

In the recovery room they brought Chatelle out to me and Ben.  She was wrapped in a beautiful crocheted purple, pink and white blanket.  She was wearing a white crocheted dress.  She was beautiful!  I knew she would be.  She looked just like me when I was a baby.  My lips, nose, fingers, everything.  Soon after, family started coming in one at a time.  Mammy, Pappy, Ma, Rebecca and Angle.  Then off we went to the other room.  Slowly everyone started flooding in the room.  Both our families, pastor Daryl and the two wonderful ladies (Heather and Orena) that took pictures for us came.  Needless to say there was way more than 3 visitors in that room.

That night after everyone left and it was just Ben and I, I was holding Chatelle, running my finger down her cheek and nose.  Crying and telling her how sorry I was that I couldn't take care of her.  Telling her how much I loved her and always would and that one day I would be with her.  Letting her go when the nurse came to take her away was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life.  I held on to her as tight as I could without hurting her.  I closed my eyes, kissed her head and said good-bye.  No parent should have to do that with their child.  No parent should have to bury their child, but I did.  And still the question is WHY?!

The loneliest day of my life

I wake up at 6:30 am, get dressed, throw my hair up, brush my teeth, and go wake Marcus up and get him ready to go.  Having only one car is a pain sometimes, like when I have a doctors appointment and have to take Ben to work.  

We dropped Ben off at work and made our way back to the highway.  I was hungry and so was Marcus so we decided to stop at McDonald's and get some breakfast.  On our way again, Marcus was pointing out all the "really really big" trucks that he saw.  I was telling Chatelle to behave today and be good for the doctors and Mommy.  We make it to the office, get back into the room, and finally a nurse comes in to listen to Chatelle's heartbeat.  I loved this part, hearing the pitter patter of her heart, knowing that she was going to be here in a couple weeks.  But leave it to my little girl to not listen to me, cause she was not behaving for us.  The nurse could not find her heartbeat, but she assured me that because Chatelle was breach it was sometimes hard to find it, so she called in the midwife to give it a go.  The midwife couldn't find her heartbeat so the doctor came in, and when the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat she sent me straight to the ultrasound room.

Remember this whole time Marcus is with me.  Usually my sister Jessica would watch him for me, but the appointment was at 8:30 and there was no time to take him from Ben's work to Jessica's house and get me to the doctors in time. So here we are sitting in the ultrasound room, Marcus is sitting beside me on the table and we're looking at the screen as the tech is doing her thing.  I'm telling Marcus to look at the T.V so he can see his sister, and I'm laying on the table thinking about how our lives are getting ready to change with this new wonderful addition.  Part of me is scared, not knowing what it's going to be like, but looking at her on the screen all my worries go away.  

The tech excuses herself from the room, which I don't even pay attention to.  It's when she comes back in and the doctor is behind her that I take my eyes off the screen.  My doctor looks at me and her eyes tell me she has bad news, "Callie, I'm so sorry.  We can't find a heartbeat.  She's gone".  No reaction, no thought, no feeling.  Then BAM!  it hits me what she said.  "Well check again!" was my reaction.  They checked a total of 6 times, 3 times in the office and 3 in the ultrasound room.  My baby girl was gone, and I had to try to keep myself somewhat together because Marcus was sitting right beside me looking at my face asking "Mommy, you ok?".  My midwife came in and took Marcus to get a snack, meanwhile I called my dad and tried to tell him, but not being able to talk, I handed my phone to the doctor and she told him.  Dad was on his way.  Next was to call Ben.  How was I going to tell my husband that our little girl was gone?  Our little girl, my baby girl.  

My dad finally gets to the office and the doctor comes in and tells us that I'm going to have to make a choice.  Either have a C-Section or they can induce me and I can deliver her naturally.  I decided to have the C-Section.  Something about pushing a baby out of me that I knew was no longer living didn't seem right to me.  Not only that but we had already decided on a C-Section beforehand, so why change it?  By this time it was around 11 something and the doctor tells us that I'm going to have to wait until 4 to have the surgery.  Well my family is already up at the hospital waiting for us to get there, so when we leave that's where we go.  

Sitting in the car, my mind is numb as I stare out the window.  I feel nothing as I put my hand on my tummy like I always do to feel her.  And there's nothing, no movement, yet I can't move my hand cause I just know that she's going to move soon.  That movement never comes.  I couldn't get my mind and body to understand that.  When we got to the hospital and I saw my family I wanted to run and hide.  I didn't want to get out of the car, I didn't want to see their faces and be reminded of this horrible news I just got.  Ben had to come get me and walk me up.  I felt dirty, like I needed to wash myself over and over again.  I felt like a failure, that it was my fault I couldn't keep my baby alive.  And I felt like God had left me.  Where was He when my daughter needed him?  Why and how could such a loving God do something like this to me?!  I did everything right.  I ate right, stop smoking, only took what the doctors said I could when I was sick.  I don't do drugs or drink, I'm not a bad person, so why God?!  WHY?!  

Bigger and bigger

So I'm having a little girl.  I'm really excited to tell Ben because he's wanted a little girl for a long time now.  Then the tech tells me that the due date is June 6th.  On the way home I'm thinking to myself that June 6th sounds like a date I should know, and then it hits me....that's my dad's birthday!  What a great thing!  He already has one grandchild named after him, how cool would it be to have the next one come on his birthday!  I was really happy to tell him the news.  He of course thought I was joking with him, and when he realized that I wasn't his reaction was "I don't want to share my birthday".  Well dad got lucky cause the next time I went to the doctor the due date was changed to June 9th.

Things are going well, the belly is getting bigger and bigger.  I love going to the doctors office because it seems like they love giving me ultrasounds, so I get new pictures of her all the time.  Getting to see her grow, and see how different she looks in the new pictures was wonderful.

Ben and I finally agreed on a first name for her, Chatelle, (which took FOREVER, cause he's really picky).  Coming up with a middle name that sounded good with Chatelle was really hard.  Ben liked Mae and I liked Len, so we put them together for Mae'Len.  So we finally had a name for her, the next part was telling the family.  There were of course some people who didn't like the name, other people who had a hard time pronouncing it right or remembering her name sense it was so unusual, but for the most part people liked her name.  Which to me it makes no difference if you like her name or not.  Not your child.  But the longer we let the name sink into our heads the more we didn't think Len sounded right, so we ended up taking it out.

So we have her name, next came the baby shower.  You wouldn't think that it would be this confusing, but I wasn't sure if I should make a gift list for her or not.  Since we have Marcus, we already had some of the things we needed like the tear free shampoo and soap, wash clothes and towels.  We had some clothes for her already but not a lot, but I still wasn't sure what to do.  Instead of making a wish list for her, we just ended up telling the ladies at church what we needed or wanted.  The shower was lots of fun.  A fruit bowl made out of a watermelon in the shape of a bassinet, cute little cupcakes with hearts on them and punch that had a whale swimming in it.  The cute little outfits that people gave us and all the necessities that we didn't have yet, I walked away feeling very grateful and thankful to all the ladies and God for providing things for us.  My sisters church donated a changing table, a diaper pail and a breast pump to us, along with a lot of outfits that didn't sale at a consignment sale they had.  My Nana, my sister-in-law, and Ben's best friend gave us car seats, a diaper bag, more clothes and toys and baby swings.  Saying that God supplies for us (meaning everyone) was an understatement to me.  He kept proving over and over again to me that He will deliver all we need, and He did.

How it all began

The past few days I've felt like God has been telling me to tell people of Chatelle's story.

It was the last time Marcus and I were in Virginia (right before Halloween 2012) helping my cousin Michelle take care of her mother.  Ben had driven us half way to meet the gang (Michelle, Ty, and the 3 boys).  Ben had come down with something, but knowing that I wasn't going to see him for a while I gave him a kiss and took my chances with his germs.  Low and behold I got sick too.  So, here I am sick as a dog and Michelle won't let me take anything because she knows that we've been trying to get pregnant again.  So before I can have anything to help me feel better she makes me take a pregnancy test.  I pee on the little stick and leave the room.  Biting my nails, pacing back and forth I waited.  Finally Michelle comes out and with a huge smile on her face she proceeds to tell me that I'm pregnant.  I stood there in disbelief, trying to make it sink into my brain.  There's a little baby in there, we're gonna have another child, are you sure I'm pregnant?  So off to the doctor I went, and sure enough I'm pregnant.  No taking regular meds to get me better, nope, I'm stuck with home remedies and cough drops.  Fun, fun, fun.

Here come the life changes.  No more smoking, have to watch what I eat, no heavy lifting, and no more sodas.  I also had 4 sinus infections and some morning sickness.  I know that every pregnancy is different, but I would have taken morning sickness any day over having all those sinus infections.  The first one was so bad that the whole right side of my face, throat, chest and head hurt all the time.  Getting past being sick for what felt like all the time, being pregnant was wonderful.  There's nothing more amazing than being able to feel your baby move and kick inside you.  The fact that you are bring a life into the world, that you're responsible for taking care of your body and the baby.  It's an amazing thing.

The first visit I had to the doctor, my sister-in-law took me and Marcus.  It took forever!  I remember laying on the table while the mid-wife tried to find the babies heart beat and couldn't find it.  I was telling myself not to freak out because the baby was still really small, so that might be why she couldn't find it.  After a few minutes of no success she takes me to the ultrasound room and holding my breath, I look at the screen and there's my baby, and there's the heart beat.  I start crying and saying a silent thank you to God.  The tech looks at me and asked if I wanted to know the sex, of course I said yes.

It's a girl!